April 1 is, of course, April Fools Day, but did you know it is also One Cent Day? Today we celebrate the history and origin of the penny. Today is also the day that Oliver Pollack is said to have invented the dollar sign. Given the current worth of a dollar, I’d say these two days go together perfectly!
April 2 is Children’s Book Day. Today celebrates the birth of Hans Christian Andersen and encourages reading in children. (Man, it sure is dark in here!) Today is also a great excuse to buy Benedict the Golden Dragon by Yours Truly! (A little shameless self promotion there)
April 3 celebrates Chocolate Mousse Day! I’m not sure why anyone would caribou this holiday, but hey, if you want to feed chocolate to a moose, be my guest. Just make sure you have some elk-a-seltzer on hand in case he gets indigestion!
April 4 is Walk Around Things Day. This can be interpreted a number of different ways – metaphorically to walk around a conflict or issue you simply don’t want to deal with, or literally to walk around an object in your way. Personally, this will be a welcome change from my usual “Walk Into Things Day”.
April 5 is a holiday I can definitely support! Today is National Deep Dish Pizza Day! Today also happens to be Go For Broke Day. You can celebrate both of these holidays by pulling out all the stops and sending your favorite columnist a coupon for a year of free deep dish pizza!
April 6 is on the more unusual side with Plan Your Epitaph Day. Sure, it sounds morbid, but in reality it’s a very grave situation. Do you really want your headstone full of some drivel that doesn’t reflect who you really are? Mine’s going to say “It seemed like a good idea at the time…”
April 7 is the perfect excuse to ignore that unfolded laundry or that dishwasher that needs unloading. It’s No Housework Day! Celebrate by ignoring the normal household chores while you binge watch your favorite Netflix show and eat leftovers from Deep Dish Pizza Day.
April 8 is Zoo Lovers Day! Take the day off from your normal responsibilities to visit your local zoo. Just make sure you have your vaccination records. It was so awkward last time when they tried to keep you.
April 9 is Name Yourself Day! Think your given name is dull or wish your parents had chosen something different? You’re in luck! Today you can pick a new name for yourself and make everyone refer to you that way. You can now call me “The Funniest Columnist in the World.”
April 10 is a bit less obscure with National Siblings Day. Show your sibling(s) how much you car by taking the time to call your brother or sister and engage in a rousing rendition of “I know you are, but what am I?” Or, if you live locally, drop by and play the “Stop hitting yourself” game. Keep in mind, however, you’re never too old for your mom to send you to your room!
April 11 combines three holidays with Eight Track Tape Day, Barbershop Quartet Day, and National Pet Day. I suggest celebrating with your pet by listening to 8 track tapes of barbershop quartet music!
April 12 is Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day. Fun fact: melting cheese on top of food has been a tradition since Roman times. Grilled cheese sandwiches, however, did not become popular until the late 1920’s. Perhaps the invention of sliced bread had something to do with this? Celebrate by enjoying your favorite grilled cheese sandwich.
April 13 is Plant Appreciation Day. I confess, I don’t have any plants, so I wouldn’t know if they
feel appreciated or not. In case you’re worried about your own plants, however, I suggest observing this holiday by going around and telling them how much you appreciate them. If you’re still worried, you can always call in a Horticultural Therapist.
April 14 is Look Up At The Sky Day. Today, take a moment to soak in the sun and look up at the fresh Spring sky. Just keep your mouth closed or you might find yourself observing “Pigeon Poops In Your Mouth Day!”
April 15 is unfortunately, going to suck. It’s National That Sucks Day. Perhaps not so coincidentally, today is also Titanic Remembrance Day and, of course, Tax Day. Man, that really does suck!
April 16 is the perfect excuse to head to work in the ultimate casual wear! It’s Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day. When your boss asks why you’re wearing Batman footie PJs, you can point her to this column. I suggest skipping this holiday if you happen to be one who sleeps in the nude!
April 17 is Bat Appreciation Day. Why do all these things feel so unappreciated? Do we have a self-esteem pandemic in plants and animals?! Nonetheless, visit the bat house at the zoo and tell all the bats you appreciate them. Just do it from a distance, you never know which one is the vampire bat!
April 18 is Columnist Day. Show your favorite columnist how much you care by sending a few words of appreciation. Or a pizza. Either one works, really.
Apr 19 is National Garlic Day! Garlic has been known throughout history for it’s health benefits. Athletes in ancient Greece used it as a performance enhancement drug. Egyptian soldiers used it for courage in battle, and Buffy used it to ward off Spike. Fun fact, it’s also commonly used to ward off unwanted suitors. I’d stake my life on it!
Apr 20 is the perfect day if you have an identical twin. No, it’s not Twin’s Day, it’s Look Alike Day! Find your evil doppelgänger and confuse your friends! Just don’t be surprised when the bodies start piling up. After all, what do you expect from someone who is known to be evil?
April 21 is National High Five Day! Give everyone you meet today a high-five! Might be a good idea to warn them first so you don’t high five their face. People generally don’t react well to that.
April 22 is possibly the best holiday there is! (I know, I say that about a lot of holidays, but I mean it this time!) It’s National Jelly Bean Day! Granted, now that Easter has uh passed over, it’s harder to find good jelly beans, but I feel certain if anyone can do it, you can. Get rid of the licorice ones though. Those things are gross!
April 23 is National Zucchini Bread Day. If you are a particular fan of zucchini bread, then I suppose this holiday is for you. Personally, however, I’m not really a zucchini lover. In fact, I’d be happy if someone squashed this holiday.
April 24 seems like it can’t really be a holiday, and yet, my sources tell me it is New Kids on the Block Day! Unfortunately, this does indeed refer to the boy band and not to having new people move into your neighborhood. If you celebrate today, my condolences. If not, celebrate your good taste today!
April 25 is Tuxedo Day! Alright, it’s actually World Penguin Day, but close enough. Penguins are fun water fowl found exclusively in the Southern Hemisphere and, being good Southerners, they’re well known for their love of crawfish and chitlins. OK, not really, but, bless your heart, I had you going!
April 26 marks another one of my favorite holidays with Hug an Australian Day! You’re probably sitting there thinking “I don’t know any Australians, how can I celebrate this auspicious day?” Well, I’m here to tell you there are any number of Aussies in society to choose from: Hugh Jackman, Cate Blanchett, and Chris Hemsworth to name a few. Hug them all! Just don’t count on me for bail money.
April 27 is Tell A Story Day and to celebrate, I’m going to tell you an amazing story! Once Upon A Time there was a brilliant columnist who wrote really funny articles, but was grossly under appreciated by her readers. The readers were sorry and sent the columnist jelly beans (just not those gross ones!), and they all lived Happily Ever After! The end.
April 28 is Great Poetry Reading Day. Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I love pizza, how about you? OK even I can admit that was sad. Instead, I suggest celebrating with a viewing of the 2009 White House Poetry Reading Jam. Bonus points for a baby faced Lin-Manuel Miranda introducing the world to an early rendition of everyone’s obsession, Hamilton the Musical.
April 29 is one for the cat owners out there. It’s Hairball Awareness Day! I don’t know about the rest of you, but I really don’t need a holiday to make me aware of hairballs. When my cat has a hairball, people five counties over know it! Still, on this day, we acknowledge your hairball and wish we didn’t have to clean it up!
April 30 is Honesty Day! Today was invented as a direct counterpart of April Fools Day. The idea was that since the first day of the month is dedicated entirely to falsehoods, the end of the month should be dedicated to telling the truth. Honestly? I think someone just ran out of April holidays.