Category: Almanac

The Offbeat Alamanac – July 2021

July 1 as everyone knows is Canada Day, but it is also International Joke Day! Speaking of…. do you want to hear a construction joke? Oh, sorry, I’m still working on it! Don’t like that one? Did you hear the about the guy who invented the door knocker? He won the No-Bell prize!

July 2 is I Forgot Day! What does this holiday represent? I can’t remember! I do know that today offers the chance to make up for all those birthdays, anniversaries, and other special dates you have or will forget. Do something nice for someone you love and when they ask why, tell them “I forgot!” Trust me, they’ll be so pleased with the gift they won’t even notice the weirdness!

July 3 marks the 76th anniversary of Superman Day. Sure, DC Comics has tried to say Superman Day is June 14, but on this date the 1939 World’s Fair marked Superman Day, and the first public appearance of Superman himself (portrayed by Ray Middleton). Instead of leaping some tall buildings or stopping bullets, celebrate today by binge watching all the Superman movies. On second thought, skip III and IV.

July 4 is of course Independence Day but it is also Independence from Meat Day! Why they picked a day full of hot dogs, hamburgers, and general barbecue for this day is beyond me. I suggest a new day: Independence from Indepence from Meat Day! Think of bacon going to waste! You owe it to your country! Trust me, I would never steer you wrong!

July 5 is Work-A-Holics Day! Most of us still have a day off for Independence (from meat) Day. If you have to work though (or have a column due), know that there is a holiday just for you. Now stop lollygagging and get back to work, peon! These columns don’t write themselves!

July 6 is Take Your Webmaster to Lunch Day! Webmasters work hard behind the scenes making things presentable. Show your appreciation by taking them out for a cup of java. Don’t keep them out too long though, they’ll want to be back in a flash!

July 7 I cannot tell a lie – today is Tell The Truth Day! Imagine a world in which nobody lies, does anything misleading, or is dishonest in any way. In other words, a world without politicians!

July 8 is Cow Appreciation Day! Really, some of these holidays are udderly ridiculous! Whoever makes these things up needs to cud it out. Sorry, mooving on…

July 9 is Bald Is In Day! Honestly, I figured today was Patrick Stewart’s birthday, but that’s not for another four days. If you’re bald, today is your day! Wear it proudly, and think of the money you save on shampoo!

July 10 Last year we celebrated Teddy Bear Picnic Day and personally I think this day bears repeating! While you and Teddy are spending quality time together, you can also observe Don’t Step on a Bee Day!

July 11 is International Town Criers Day! Town criers are no longer a thing, but you can bring this tradition back by strolling through your town early in the morning announcing the news! Just watch out for flying newspapers!

July 12 is Different Colored Eyes Day! If you lived during the middle ages and had different colored eyes you’d probably wind up branded a witch. Today we recognize it as a semi-unusual genetic thing, generally caused by inbreeding. Kind of makes you look at those folks with new eyes doesn’t it?

July 13 is National French Fries Day! Celebrate by indulging in a plate of hot fries with tons of ketchup. Or if you prefer a more international flair, add some cheese curds and gravy and voila poutine! Avoid dipping them in mayonnaise though – that’s just barbaric!

July 14 might be a bit more difficult to observe with International Nude Day! I suggest celebrating this one in private with the curtains drawn. You don’t want to wind up as inspiration for Ugly Naked Person in the Friends remake!

July 15 is Be A Dork Day! I’ve pretty much got this one down on a daily basis, but for those of you who fall into the more poised category observe today by tripping over your shoe laces or not shutting up long after you realize you should have! Those of us who are about to be thrust into an unwanted spotlight, thank you.

July 16 is World Snake Day! Considering I shrieked at the sight of an animated snake in a Disney movie (true story – see Be A Dork Day), you can rest assured I will NOT be celebrating this holiday! As such, I have no advice for you on how to observe today other than keep it far away from me, please!

July 17 is Yellow Pig Day! Apparently this holiday was invented in the early 1960’s when a couple of mathematicians became obsessed with the properties of the number 17. For reasons that are still unclear, this evolved into a yellow pig with 17 eyelashes. Personally, I think that the mathematicians might have been dipping into the ethanol with the chemists!

July 18 offers the opportunity to make up for that time you told your spouse “Yes, that outfit does make you look fat,” or called your mother-in-law an “insufferable witch.” It’s Get Out of the Doghouse Day! Apologize, claim temporary insanity, alien abduction, whatever you need to get back in good graces. At least until the next time you decide your foot would make a tasty meal!

July 19 is Daiquiri Day! Celebrate by laying back in a hammock and sipping one of these cool and refreshing drinks. Be careful not to over indulge though or you won’t be able to get out of the hammock which means, well, your butt will be in a sling!

July 20 has a literary theme with Take Your Poet to Work Day. Actually, this is a very bad idea. Most of us literary types prefer as little social interaction as possible. Taking us to work would create a need for small talk and a request for us to recite poetry on demand. You would never be able to face your co-workers again. Trust me, this way leads to madness!

July 21 is No Pet Store Puppies Day! Even though I’m a cat person, I can still appreciate today. If you’re in the market for a puppy consider visiting your local animal shelter. I’m sure that if you paws long enough to comb your hair and tuck in your shirt, that there is a puppy (or older dog) ready and willing to adopt you! Trust me, you won’t regret it!

July 22 brings up another one of those math holidays with Pi Approximation Day! Also known as Casual Pi Day, plays on the fact that the fraction 22/7 is a common approximation of pi. It seems the mathematicians have again been dipping into the ethanol but hey, anything that invents an excuse to eat more pie is a good idea to me!

July 23 is Gorgeous Grandma Day! I don’t know if there’s a Gorgeous Grandpa Day, but I feel as if there should be. In the interest of equality, give your gorgeous grandparent a call to tell them how much you appreciate them. Or, send cookies. Nothing says I love you like a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies. Make sure you send some to the columnist as well. You know, for quality control.

July 24 is Tell and Old Joke Day! I don’t know what the oldest joke is but it’s probably a bad dad joke like “I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry, I’m Dad!” Celebrate today by telling everyone your oldest and most groan worthy jokes. You’ll probably get some slaps but you might get a chuckle or two making it all worth it!

July 25 is a real whirlwind with Merry Go Round Day! Also listed as Carousel Day, today is designed to bring awareness to the decline in working carousels around the country. If you don’t have a carousel nearby, go to your local park and take a ride on the Merry Go Round. Just don’t eat any hot dogs first, or drink any of the tequila from National Tequila Day (July 24) or you’ll be very very sorry!

July 26 is one of those holidays that you either celebrate big or don’t celebrate at all. It’s All or Nothing Day! Carpe Diem! Go big or go home! Other outdated cliches! The point is whatever you do today, give it your all. Even if you’re like me and some days “all” means putting on pants.

July 27 is Take Your Houseplant For a Walk Day. I almost reported this as take your PANTS for a walk day. I’m not sure if this was my error or that of the ones who make up these days. At any rate, to be on the safe side, wear pants when you take your house plant for a walk. That incident with the neighborhood watch is still pretty fresh in our minds!

July 28 is National Milk Chocolate Day! Observe by eating lots of milk chocolate or lots of chocolate milk! Either way, today demands celebration! You wouldn’t want to let me down would you?

July 29 is National Talk in an Elevator Day! I’m not sure today should be a holiday, but I don’t make the rules (or the holidays). It’s a brave person who talks in the elevator, so take that newfound confidence from All or Nothing Day and give a hearty hello to your fellow riders! If there’s no one there, you can talk to the security camera. No one ever says Hi to them.

July 30 is a bibliophile’s dream with Paperback Book Day! Shut down your kindle, find a shady spot under a tree or next to the pool and whip out your paperback book! If anyone bothers you, you can bop them over the head with it for interrupting your reading!

July 31 is Uncommon Instrument Awareness Day! Before you call me a lyre, check your own sources and you will find that accordion to the calendar, I’m correct! Don’t worry, I won’t harp on the fact that I was right.

The Offbeat Almanac – May 2021

May 1 is for the Superhero lovers out there. Today is Batman Day! On this day in 1939 the mysterious Caped Crusader made his first appearance in Detective Comics #27. So don your costume and stream the Snyder cut of Justice League. Add some extra butter to your microwave popcorn to make up for the four hours you’re about to lose.

May 2 is Baby Day! Admittedly, not everyone loves babies. They’re wrinkly, cry a lot, and are prone to urinating on you at any given moment. Just for today though, give a baby a coo or a smile. Remember, you were once a wrinkly, crying, pooping and peeing machine!

May 3 is National Two Different Colored Shoes Day! I may risk getting off on the wrong foot here, but today is a day to show your wacky and zany side! Today is the perfect excuse to wear a striped shoe with a polka dotted shoe, or on the subtle side, a black and a brown shoe. Hop to it! You know you’re itching to! (You should get some foot cream for that, by the way)

May 4 is, of course, Star Wars Day (May the 4th be with you), but it is also Renewal Day. Today is a day for new beginnings. Renew your wedding vows! Renew your favorite magazine subscription! Renew your commitment to watching all twelve Star Wars movies in a single sitting!

May 5 is Food Poison Yourself Day! OK, I might have made that one up. Today is actually Oyster Day. Oysters are best consumed in months with an R in them, but May is a borderline month so it might still be OK. Proceed with caution, and clam up if you suspect something fishy!

May 6 is No Diet Day! I definitely plan on celebrating this day! Just for today, allow yourself a cheat day. Enjoy that extra slice of cake or that extra chocolate bar. Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet!

May 7 is in cahoots with No Diet Day as it is No Pants Day! Let’s be honest though, hasn’t the entire past year been one long No Pants Day?

May 8 is a day to celebrate the warmer weather! Today is No Socks Day! Wiggle the toes in the fresh green grass, walk barefoot in the sand, or simply wander around your house with no socks. Just make sure you don’t step on any toes! You wouldn’t want people to think you’re a heel!

May 09 is the day you pay the price for yesterday. Today is Lost Sock Memorial Day! Take a moment of silence to pay your respects to all those missing socks. Where DO they go, anyway? I think we need to get Mulder and Scully on this one!

May 10 is Clean Up Your Room Day! Honestly, this doesn’t sound like a particularly fun holiday, but it is an occasional necessity. Celebrate in a quick and easy fashion by grabbing a giant box, throwing everything in it and tossing it in your closet! Problem solved, right? Well, at least until Clean Your Closet Day comes around.

May 11 is yet another holiday that will leave you wondering who the heck comes up with these days! Today is Root Canal Appreciation Day. The only appreciation I imagine anyone has for a root canal is when it’s over. Still, mark your clock to celebrate at 2:30!

May 12 brings us back to fun holidays with Limerick Day! On this day in 2021 a columnist turned plum. She had a column to write but it took all night. Finally she started to scream
because she sucks at limericks!

May 13 is Top Gun Day! Throw on a leather jacket and some cheap aviator sunglasses and go sing some bad karaoke! Quote lines from the movie all day! Just don’t forget to take a moment of silence for Goose.

May 14 is Dance Like A Chicken Day! Don’t let today get you down! Celebrate by dancing the Chicken Dance or even the Funky Chicken! Just don’t do the Turkey Dance as that would be fowl.

May 15 swings back to the food holidays with National Chocolate Chip Day! The inventor of the chocolate chip cookie was paid one dollar and a lifetime of chocolate for her recipe. Sounds like a raw deal to me, but I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles! Celebrate today by sending your favorite columnist a batch of cookies. These puns don’t write themselves you know!

May 16 is National Sea Monkey Day! Popularized in 1956, sea monkeys are actually a hybridized form of brine shrimp. It’s amazing what we will do to bilk kids out of a few bucks. Still, today is their special day, so raise a glass and toast the sea monkey. Just don’t drink it, or you might end up with sea people a la South Park’s “Simpsons Already Did It”.

May 17 is Telecommunications Day! Celebrate today by using your little telecommunication device to do something other than look at cat videos on YouTube. Use the weird dial pad to call your parent, sibling, or best friend. The cat videos will still be there, I promise.

May 18 is for the clean freaks among us with No Dirty Dishes Day! On this day, I am most thankful for the invention of the dishwasher. Don’t just lye there! Sink yourself into it! Just don’t sing or you might end up in a soap opera!

May 19 is National Devil’s Food Cake Day! My faithful readers may not be aware, but I love chocolate, and thus, I particularly love Devil’s Food Cake. In the famous words of Marie Antoinette, “let me eat cake!” OK. I might have paraphrased a pinch.

May 20 is Be A Millionaire Day! If you happen to be a millionaire – call me! I would be an excellent millionaire! Celebrate today by living large! Take a look at that mansion on Park Place! Build that fancy house on Atlantic! Just be sure to put the Monopoly pieces back when you’re done.

May 21 promotes water safety with National Learn to Swim Day. If you don’t know how to swim, it’s a good idea to visit your local YMCA for lessons. If you do know how to swim be a good water buddy and support your aquatic impaired friend. After all, you don’t want to wind up swimming with the fishes!

May 22 is Goth Day! Observe this dark holiday by changing your name to Theodoric the Great and sacking Rome, Athens and Byzantium! Just clean up when you’re done. You don’t want people thinking you’re some sort of barbarian!

May 23 is Lucky Penny Day! For some, today is considered to be extra lucky. Ironically, on this day in history, the infamous Bonnie and Clyde were killed by the police. Guess their luck ran out!

May 24 is Tiara Day! Perhaps not so coincidentally, it is also the anniversary of the birth of Queen Victoria. Today of all days you deserve to be treated like a royal! Which is to say, put your life under a media microscope and have your marriage arranged for political reasons. Still, wear your tiara with pride while giving your best Diana wave!

May 25 is a day for the geeks and nerds among us with Towel Day. Today commemorates the life of Douglas Adams, author of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and demigod of geeks and nerds. Feeling unprepared for this day? Don’t panic! Pull out your tattered copy of Hitchhiker’s Guide and find a tree to sit under. Adams would want nothing less.

May 26 is National Paper Airplane Day! Celebrations for this day are quite simple: throw a paper airplane party! See who can fly theirs the farthest, or who can come up with the best paper airplane decoration. Just remember, it’s not the destination, but the journey! (Which admittedly isn’t very far in a paper airplane)

May 27 once again recognizes the importance of ailurophiles with Hug Your Cat Day! Admittedly, cats are not known for being particularly eager huggers, but perhaps if you tread carefully you can get a quick snuggle. Just a word of caution, I tried this on my cat last night. You can start calling me “Stumpy” from now on!

May 28 is Hamburger Day! Celebrate by parking your buns in your favorite burger joint. Just guard your juicy beef patty with care as you never know when the Hamburglar will strike!

May 29 is End of Middle Ages Day! Today the Middle Ages ended and became the Senior Citizen Ages. Kidding! It was the beginning of the Renaissance. I’m convinced that somewhere Chaucer is yelling at that upstart Michelangelo to get off his lawn!

May 30 is Water A Flower Day! We’ve had Plant Appreciation Day, so it’s only right that flowers have their day in the sun! Water all the flowers today! Without them our planet would be a barren wasteland much like Mars. Do you know how hard it is to grow things on Mars?? Hint: Ask Matt Damon.

May 31 is Save Your Hearing Day! Feeling ear-itable today? March to a different (ear) drum today and appreciate the world around you! Spread some lobe to someone you find ear-resistible!

The Offbeat Almanac – April 2021

April 1 is, of course, April Fools Day, but did you know it is also One Cent Day? Today we celebrate the history and origin of the penny. Today is also the day that Oliver Pollack is said to have invented the dollar sign. Given the current worth of a dollar, I’d say these two days go together perfectly!

April 2 is Children’s Book Day. Today celebrates the birth of Hans Christian Andersen and encourages reading in children. (Man, it sure is dark in here!) Today is also a great excuse to buy Benedict the Golden Dragon by Yours Truly! (A little shameless self promotion there)

April 3 celebrates Chocolate Mousse Day! I’m not sure why anyone would caribou this holiday, but hey, if you want to feed chocolate to a moose, be my guest. Just make sure you have some elk-a-seltzer on hand in case he gets indigestion!

April 4 is Walk Around Things Day. This can be interpreted a number of different ways – metaphorically to walk around a conflict or issue you simply don’t want to deal with, or literally to walk around an object in your way. Personally, this will be a welcome change from my usual “Walk Into Things Day”.

April 5 is a holiday I can definitely support! Today is National Deep Dish Pizza Day! Today also happens to be Go For Broke Day. You can celebrate both of these holidays by pulling out all the stops and sending your favorite columnist a coupon for a year of free deep dish pizza!

April 6 is on the more unusual side with Plan Your Epitaph Day. Sure, it sounds morbid, but in reality it’s a very grave situation. Do you really want your headstone full of some drivel that doesn’t reflect who you really are? Mine’s going to say “It seemed like a good idea at the time…”

April 7 is the perfect excuse to ignore that unfolded laundry or that dishwasher that needs unloading. It’s No Housework Day! Celebrate by ignoring the normal household chores while you binge watch your favorite Netflix show and eat leftovers from Deep Dish Pizza Day.

April 8 is Zoo Lovers Day! Take the day off from your normal responsibilities to visit your local zoo. Just make sure you have your vaccination records. It was so awkward last time when they tried to keep you.

April 9 is Name Yourself Day! Think your given name is dull or wish your parents had chosen something different? You’re in luck! Today you can pick a new name for yourself and make everyone refer to you that way. You can now call me “The Funniest Columnist in the World.”

April 10 is a bit less obscure with National Siblings Day. Show your sibling(s) how much you car by taking the time to call your brother or sister and engage in a rousing rendition of “I know you are, but what am I?” Or, if you live locally, drop by and play the “Stop hitting yourself” game. Keep in mind, however, you’re never too old for your mom to send you to your room!

April 11 combines three holidays with Eight Track Tape Day, Barbershop Quartet Day, and National Pet Day. I suggest celebrating with your pet by listening to 8 track tapes of barbershop quartet music!

April 12 is Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day. Fun fact: melting cheese on top of food has been a tradition since Roman times. Grilled cheese sandwiches, however, did not become popular until the late 1920’s. Perhaps the invention of sliced bread had something to do with this? Celebrate by enjoying your favorite grilled cheese sandwich.

April 13 is Plant Appreciation Day. I confess, I don’t have any plants, so I wouldn’t know if they
feel appreciated or not. In case you’re worried about your own plants, however, I suggest observing this holiday by going around and telling them how much you appreciate them. If you’re still worried, you can always call in a Horticultural Therapist.

April 14 is Look Up At The Sky Day. Today, take a moment to soak in the sun and look up at the fresh Spring sky. Just keep your mouth closed or you might find yourself observing “Pigeon Poops In Your Mouth Day!”

April 15 is unfortunately, going to suck. It’s National That Sucks Day. Perhaps not so coincidentally, today is also Titanic Remembrance Day and, of course, Tax Day. Man, that really does suck!

April 16 is the perfect excuse to head to work in the ultimate casual wear! It’s Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day. When your boss asks why you’re wearing Batman footie PJs, you can point her to this column. I suggest skipping this holiday if you happen to be one who sleeps in the nude!

April 17 is Bat Appreciation Day. Why do all these things feel so unappreciated? Do we have a self-esteem pandemic in plants and animals?! Nonetheless, visit the bat house at the zoo and tell all the bats you appreciate them. Just do it from a distance, you never know which one is the vampire bat!

April 18 is Columnist Day. Show your favorite columnist how much you care by sending a few words of appreciation. Or a pizza. Either one works, really.

Apr 19 is National Garlic Day! Garlic has been known throughout history for it’s health benefits. Athletes in ancient Greece used it as a performance enhancement drug. Egyptian soldiers used it for courage in battle, and Buffy used it to ward off Spike. Fun fact, it’s also commonly used to ward off unwanted suitors. I’d stake my life on it!

Apr 20 is the perfect day if you have an identical twin. No, it’s not Twin’s Day, it’s Look Alike Day! Find your evil doppelgänger and confuse your friends! Just don’t be surprised when the bodies start piling up. After all, what do you expect from someone who is known to be evil?

April 21 is National High Five Day! Give everyone you meet today a high-five! Might be a good idea to warn them first so you don’t high five their face. People generally don’t react well to that.

April 22 is possibly the best holiday there is! (I know, I say that about a lot of holidays, but I mean it this time!) It’s National Jelly Bean Day! Granted, now that Easter has uh passed over, it’s harder to find good jelly beans, but I feel certain if anyone can do it, you can. Get rid of the licorice ones though. Those things are gross!

April 23 is National Zucchini Bread Day. If you are a particular fan of zucchini bread, then I suppose this holiday is for you. Personally, however, I’m not really a zucchini lover. In fact, I’d be happy if someone squashed this holiday.

April 24 seems like it can’t really be a holiday, and yet, my sources tell me it is New Kids on the Block Day! Unfortunately, this does indeed refer to the boy band and not to having new people move into your neighborhood. If you celebrate today, my condolences. If not, celebrate your good taste today!

April 25 is Tuxedo Day! Alright, it’s actually World Penguin Day, but close enough. Penguins are fun water fowl found exclusively in the Southern Hemisphere and, being good Southerners, they’re well known for their love of crawfish and chitlins. OK, not really, but, bless your heart, I had you going!

April 26 marks another one of my favorite holidays with Hug an Australian Day! You’re probably sitting there thinking “I don’t know any Australians, how can I celebrate this auspicious day?” Well, I’m here to tell you there are any number of Aussies in society to choose from: Hugh Jackman, Cate Blanchett, and Chris Hemsworth to name a few. Hug them all! Just don’t count on me for bail money.

April 27 is Tell A Story Day and to celebrate, I’m going to tell you an amazing story! Once Upon A Time there was a brilliant columnist who wrote really funny articles, but was grossly under appreciated by her readers. The readers were sorry and sent the columnist jelly beans (just not those gross ones!), and they all lived Happily Ever After! The end.

April 28 is Great Poetry Reading Day. Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I love pizza, how about you? OK even I can admit that was sad. Instead, I suggest celebrating with a viewing of the 2009 White House Poetry Reading Jam. Bonus points for a baby faced Lin-Manuel Miranda introducing the world to an early rendition of everyone’s obsession, Hamilton the Musical.

April 29 is one for the cat owners out there. It’s Hairball Awareness Day! I don’t know about the rest of you, but I really don’t need a holiday to make me aware of hairballs. When my cat has a hairball, people five counties over know it! Still, on this day, we acknowledge your hairball and wish we didn’t have to clean it up!

April 30 is Honesty Day! Today was invented as a direct counterpart of April Fools Day. The idea was that since the first day of the month is dedicated entirely to falsehoods, the end of the month should be dedicated to telling the truth. Honestly? I think someone just ran out of April holidays.

The Offbeat Almanac – February 2021

February 1 You remember that chocolate cake that you were supposed to make last week? Well today you can redeem yourself by celebrating Decorate With Candy Day! Hint: I like those red hot sugary candies the best!

February 2 Of course everyone knows that today is Groundhog Day, but did you know that it’s also Marmot Day? Admittedly groundhogs are actually in the Marmot genus, but you know how it is. Marmot always said there’d be days like this!

February 3 is known as The Day the Music Died. On this date in 1959, Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and The Big Bopper died in a plane crash. Commemorate by pulling out some old LP’s and listening to “Peggy Sue”. If your response to this is “What’s an LP”, then allow me to refer you back to Curmudgeon Day.

February 4 is Stuffed Mushroom Day! I don’t like mushrooms, but I do like jokes, so in honor of this day, I’ll tell you my best mushroom joke. “Why was the mushroom stuffed? I don’t know, maybe he ate too much at the party! After all, he’s quite a fungi!” Thank you, I’ll be here all month.

February 5 is Weatherman’s Day! In honor of this day, and continuing the theme of Stuffed Mushroom Day, I give you my best weatherman joke. “Why did the weatherman bring a bar of soap to work? He was predicting showers!”

February 6 is Ice Cream for Breakfast Day! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Eating whatever you want whenever you want is the most important part of being an adult. Combine these two important elements, and celebrate by eating ice cream for breakfast!

February 7 is a great day to show someone you’re thinking of them with Send a Card to a Friend Day. They’ll really love you if you make it an empty black American Express card!

February 8 Go fly a kite! No, really, do it because today is Kite Flying Day! Just don’t tie a key to it and stand out in a rain storm. For one thing, it’s illegal. For another, Mythbusters tried it and demonstrated that it would kill you. You don’t want to be responsible for ruining a national holiday, do you?

February 9 is Extraterrestrial Culture Day. From Doctor Who and E.T. to Men in Black, celebrate by streaming some of your favorite extraterrestrial media. You never know, your neighbor could be an alien in hiding! Word on the street is several prominent politicians are lizard people. When you think about it, this would actually explain a lot!

February 10 is Plimsoll Day! What’s a plimsoll you ask? It’s basically a beach shoe made out of canvas with a rubber sole. A common example of a plimsoll is the famous Chuck Taylor All-Star Converse. Who knew something so cool had such a weird name? Fun fact: I’m wearing my Chucks as I write this column! Photographic proof available via Twitter.

February 11 We’ve all heard the expression “There’s no sense crying over spilled milk.” Today that expression comes to fruition with Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day! Honestly though, if I had a cookie and a heaping tall glass of chocolate milk, and the milk spilled, I think I would probably cry.

February 12 is Darwin Day which commemorates the birthday of Charles Darwin, author of On the Origin of Species. Celebrate this day, or I’ll be a monkey’s aunt. Hmm, that doesn’t quite have the same ring, does it?

February 13 Yes, of course today is Valentine’s Day Eve, but it’s also Get A Different Name Day. Perhaps you’ve just realized you forgot to make those dinner reservations for tomorrow. If so, today is an excellent opportunity to change your name! You can call me Stormageddon Dark Lord of All.

February 14 is a day for hearts, flowers, and sweethearts. It’s also a terrific opportunity to show you care in a different less conventional way. Today is Donor Day. Hospitals and blood banks are always in need of blood donors. Even if your blood type is negative, I’m positive your help is needed!

February 15 is Hippo Day! The Hippopotamus is an under appreciated animal. Hippos are the third largest land mammal, can run up to about 30 kilometers per hour, and are actually most closely related to whales and porpoises. You don’t want a hippopotamus for Christmas though – they take up way too much room. Besides, do you know how much a hippo eats? Actually not much – only about 11 kilograms a day.

February 16 is Innovation Day. Speaking of innovation, why don’t we have transporter beams yet? Celebrate Innovation Day by building a functional transporter beam. You’ll be filty rich and have my eternal gratitude!

February 17 reminds us all to be kind with Random Acts of Kindness Day. Shovel an elderly neighbor’s walk, pay someone a compliment, or even bake cookies for a friend or co-worker (or hard working columnist). In short, make the world a little better today by doing something kind.

February 18 is for all the wine lovers out there. Today is Drink Wine Day. Now most of us don’t need a special holiday to do this, but why not observe anyway? Invite friends over for supper and break out that more expensive bottle you’ve been saving for a special occasion. After all, it is the season.

February 19 is Chocolate Mint Day. For some reason the chocolate mint candies that restaurants often serve always seem fancy to me. Therefore, I think Chocolate Mint Day should be celebrated in style: wear a tuxedo while eating your favorite chocolate mint concoction. Trust me, it will be awesome!

February 20 Yes, Valentines Day is long over, but that doesn’t mean you can’t keep a little spice in your life. Today is Handcuff Day. On this day, I offer the following advice: fur lined is most comfortable, don’t close them too tight, and whatever you do, don’t lose the key. You don’t want to have to explain to your mother or best friend what happened, do you?

February 21 is Single Tasking Day. It’s a busy world out there, so take some time today to slow down and focus on only one thing at a time. Curl up on your couch with your favorite hot beverage, fire up Netflix and chill. Though I suppose technically that is sort of multi-tasking. Eh, I never was very good at this following instructions thing.

February 22 I don’t want to brag, but I think I might be the best at celebrating today’s holiday. It’s Be Humble Day! Observe this holiday by having a competition with your friends as to who can come up with the best way to celebrate. Or if you want to do something to benefit someone else, buy a Humble Bundle. All bundle proceeds go to charity.

February 23 is Curling is Cool Day. I know that most of you will think this is a big fat lie, and I admit on face value curling does look like a weird sport, but it actually has an interesting history. Curling can be traced back to the 1500’s in Scotland and in the mid 1800’s was demonstrated to Queen Victoria by the Earl of Mansfield. Curling is considered a sport of ettiquete. Opponents congratulate each other on good plays, and typically the winners by the losers a drink after.

February 24 is Inconvenience Yourself Day. I’m not entirely certain why you would go out of your way to celebrate today but, then again, doing so fulfills the obligation to observe. Take the slightly difficult road today. Hold a door open a little longer for the person who isn’t walking fast enough. Help a little old lady across the street. Get that item off the top shelf for a shorter spouse or roommate. Pretty soon it won’t seem so inconvenient after all.

February 25 encourages the young women in our lives with Introduce a Girl to Engineering Day. I am not the most mathematically inclined person (a slight understatement), but even I recognize how cool it is to be an engineer. If you know a young woman who has a scientific and curious mind, introduce them to engineering. She might become the next Stephanie Louise Kwolek who discovered liquid crystalline polymers which are used to make Kevlar.

February 26 is Tell A Fairy Tale Day. Fairy tales are the backbone of literature, and you’re never too old for a good fairy tale. Celebrate today by making up your own fairy tale. Pick up a copy of Politically Correct Fairy Tales for a good laugh. No matter how you celebrate, I guarantee today will end Happily Ever After.

February 27 is World Sword Swallower’s Day. Granted, this holiday is a little hard to, well, swallow, but I am confident you can still celebrate. Find a sword swallowing show near you, or stream some sword swallowing videos online. Personally, I’m not convinced sword swallowing is all it’s cut out to be, so I recommend you leave it to the professionals.

February 28 is Tooth Fairy Day! Today we pay homage to the generous sprite that is known for leaving coins or other treats under our pillow. Since I presume we have all long passed the age when our teeth are likely to fall out, I suggest celebrating today by setting your next dental appointment. Not as much fun as treats or money under your pillow, but I have it on good authority that the tooth fairy goes by chronological rather than behavioral age!

Offbeat Almanac – April 2017

April 1:  Of course we all know today as April Fools Day, but did you know it is also Edible Book Day?  No joke!  Personally, I prefer a more figurative approach to my book devouring but hey, if literal is your thing, then today is your day!  Though might I suggest you try a hearty bowl of alphabet soup instead?

April 2: It’s National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day!  Celebrate today by cracking open a fresh jar of your favorite peanut butter and making yourself a sandwich!  Think of all the childhood memories you’ll be reliving.  Or if you’re like me and can’t have peanuts, use your favorite peanut butter substitute.  Just make sure you cut off the crusts!

April 3: Today is Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun Day!  I think the celebratory method is pretty self explanatory.  Your boss might try to argue with you, but you can simply show them this article and explain that it’s a recognized national holiday.  Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find something else soon….

April 4: I’m not sure any of us are going to want to observe today as it is World Rat Day.  I know some folks thing rats are an under appreciated animal but I have to admit, I’m not really one of them.  Nevertheless, if you are a rat lover, then today is your day.  Just don’t be too cheesy about it!

April 5:  Today we observe one of my favorite holidays with Deep Dish Pizza Day!  Who can resist a thick, crunchy, and fluffy crust topped with gooey mozzarella and pepperoni?  Celebrate today by supporting your favorite pizza place!  Order a half a dozen larges – after all you don’t want to be caught unawares if there’s a sudden pizza shortage!

April 6: It’s Teflon Day!  Don’t worry, it’s only one day and I don’t believe this holiday will really stick.

April 7:  Laundry piling up?  Dishwasher not loaded? Living room still not vacuumed?  Don’t stress as today is National No Housework Day!  Put your feet up and relax a little.  All the chores will still be there tomorrow.  (at which point maybe you can get someone else to do it for you!)

April 8:  Let the little kid in you roam free as today is Take Your Parents to the Playground Day!  Admittedly, if you’re like me and you’re in your 40’s with parents in their 80’s, this might look a little odd but are you really going to let that stop you?  I hear that merry go round calling your name!  Hopefully you won’t barf this time….

April 9:  I don’t want to alarm you but, today is National Chicken Little Awareness Day!  Don’t worry, I checked, the sky is still there.

April 10:  Today is National Sibling Day!  (Is not!) (Is too!)  (Is not!)  (Is too!)  (Moooom!)

April 11:  It’s National Be Kind to Lawyers Day! No really, you have to be nice to them today or they’ll sue.

April 12:  Today is one of my favorite holidays with Drop Everything and Read Day!  When your boss or spouse or significant other starts hassling you about spending the entire day reading, send them here.  These holidays are important after all!

April 13: Today is Scrabble Day! Be zealous, exultant, and exuberant in your celebrations!

April 14:  It’s Dictionary Day!  Use the day to brush up on some of those words you didn’t think of during Scrabble Day yesterday.

April 15:  Bet you can’t figure out what holiday today is!  Circus Day?  (Well, OK, yeah) Alien Appreciation Day?  (Nope!) Give up?  It’s Take a Wild Guess Day!  (See what I did there?)

April 16:  Today is an eggselent holiday with Eggs Benedict Day!  Coincidentally (or perhaps not so) it is also Easter.  Why not put your leftover Easter eggs to good use and make some Eggs Benedict out of them?

April 17:  Today is Blah Blah Blah Day!  Which I suspect is the noise you hear in your head as you’re reading this column….

April 18:  It’s Velociraptor Awareness Day, today!  Trust me, if I were to ever encounter a velociraptor you can be assured that I would be VERY aware of it!

April 19: We’ve celebrated this one in the past but I feel it is worth commemorating again:  it’s National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day!  Put on your favorite footies or your Wonder Woman sleeper and head to the office!  I’m sure your boss will understand.  After all, you and HR are old friends by now!

April 20: Today is Lima Bean Respect Day.  Let’s be honest, do any of us really think Lima beans deserve any respect?  Eat a green cupcake instead.  You’ll enjoy it more.

April 21: Is Tuna Rights Day!  Honestly, I think there’s something fishy about this holiday, but I cod be wrong.  I don’t wish tuna any eel will, however, so if it’s rights they want, it’s rights they shall have!

April 22: It’s National Day of Puppetry!  Even if you have to pull a few strings to do so, I’m certain you can find a way to celebrate today!  If not, I’m sure someone would be willing to lend you a hand!

April 23:  Today is English Language Day.  It also happens to to be Talk Like Shakespeare Day!  Celebrate by throwing out words like “forsooth” and “verfily” into your conversation.  Would the Bard steer you wrong?

April 24:  Get ready to ham it up as it’s National Pigs in a Blanket Day! First mentioned in 1957 in Betty Crocker’s Cooking for Kids, this fun little pastry is also known as devils on horseback.  Somehow that just doesn’t sound quite as appetizing!

April 25: It’s International Marconi Day!  Named after Guglielmo Marconi, the 1st Marquis of Marconi, who was the first person to send a wireless transmission across the Atlantic, International Marconi Day is a virtual gathering of radio aficionados who broadcast around the world using the same radio technology Marconi used.  Celebrate like it’s 1901 and join the festivities by tuning in!  Or you can just pretend you know what you’re talking about and wish everyone you see today Happy Marconi Day.  Your choice.

April 26:  Today is a sedimental holiday for some.  In fact, on a scale of 0 to 9.5 I’d say it’s a pretty solid 7 for most.  Celebrations may leave you quaking in your boots, but don’t be shaken, I know you’ll be back on solid footing soon.  It’s National Richter Scale Day!

April 27:  – — -.. .- -.– / .. … / — — .-. … . / -.-. — -.. . / -.. .- -.– # / -.. .- … …. / — ..-. ..-. / .- -. -.. / -.-. . .-.. . -… .-. .- – . / .- -.-. -.-. — .-. -.. .. -. –. .-.. -.– #

April 28:  Look!  It’s a bird!  It’s a plane!  No, it’s simply National Superhero Day.  Wear a cape and celebrate your favorite superhero today!  Unless your favorite is Wolverine in which case the whole Edward Scissorhands thing could get awkward when trying to greet your co-workers.  On second thought, celebrate on the down low today.  After all, you don’t want to give away your secret identity, do you?

April 29:  Today is Viral Video Day!  Whether you’re enthralled by the Ninja Cat or you’re angry at being Rick-Rolled, today is your day!  Sit back, relax, and YouTube all your favorite viral videos.  Just be careful and don’t let Charlie bite your finger ’cause ain’t nobody got time for that!

April 30:  Uh… What’s up, Doc?  It’s duck season!  No, it’s rabbit season!  Actually, it’s Bugs Bunny Day!  Queue up “What’s Opera, Doc?” or “The Rabbit of Seville” and relax!  Hopefully Elmer Fudd won’t find you, but if he does, just drop an ACME anvil on his head and continue your day.  Don’t worry, he’ll recover in time for his honeymoon with Bugs!

Offbeat Almanac – August 2015

August 1 slides smoothly into a new month with National Raspberry Cream Pie Day.  I confess, I’m not entirely sold on the idea of Raspberry Cream pie, but I admit it does seem a solid use for the fruits of your labor!

August 2 finally gets away from anything fruit related with Ice Cream Sandwich Day.  Share one with your sister as it is also Sister’s Day.  I know you’re thinking this sounds like a great idea because it’s also Psychic Day!

August 3 is the perfect holiday for a hot summer day: National Watermelon Day! Watermelon is over 90 percent water making it an excellent cooling down food.  Plus it’s healthy and low calorie which allows a sweet taste that doesn’t go to the waist!

August 4 is a day for dog lovers: Assistance Dog Day.  My cat would like to know why there isn’t an Assistance Cat Day, but tell me honestly, when’s the last time you heard of a seeing eye cat?

August 5 has you stuffed from watermelon and junk food, but it’s still oppressively hot and humid.  Fear not, I’ve got you covered – sort of.  Strip down to your skivvies and proudly announce that you are celebrating Underwear Day!

August 6 continues the nudity trend with Wiggle Your Toes Day.  I think the perfect way to celebrate is to attend a JAWS on the Water event!

August 7 is a beacon of holidays with Lighthouse Day.  Fun fact: the world’s oldest lighthouse is in Spain.  What better reason do you need to plan that vacation?

August 8 gives you the perfect reason to finally clean your basement or attic: Garage Sale Day.  It’s also International Cat Day.  Honor your cat by finally getting rid of that painting of the dogs playing poker.

August 9 might be my favorite holiday next to Christmas: Book Lovers Day. Since it’s better to give than receive, you can celebrate by giving your favorite book lover (or columnist) a new book!

August 10 is Lazy Day. The perfect excuse to do nothing! If you must break it, I suggest you do so by celebrating S’mores Day!

August 11 reminds us that summer is starting to wind down with Play in The Sand Day.  Take a personal day, hit the beach and build a sand castle.  Fall is coming and you don’t want to to look back with regret!

August 12 gets a little retro with Vinyl Record Day.  Bust out the turntable and dust off your old LP’s!  Then bang your head against a wall when your kids ask you what those funny looking CD’s are!  It’s also Middle Child’s Day, but we don’t really need to worry about that.

August 13 happens to be one of my favorite holidays with International Lefthanders Day.  If like myself you’re left handed in a right handed world, don’t despair: some of the coolest people in history have been left handed such as Jimmy Hendrix, Jon Stewart and Richard Simmons.  Well OK, two out of three ain’t bad.

August 14 brings us back to food holidays with National Creamsicle Day.  Take an opportunity to relive your childhood and chase down the ice cream man.  Or if you prefer a more adult approach, mix orange soda and whipped cream flavored vodka.  And if you drink too many, you’re in perfect shape for Relaxation Day on August 15!

August 16 might be a day you want to sit out after the revelries of the 14th and 15th, but if you’re feeling up to it, go check out the Cyclone on Coney Island for Rollercoaster Day.  Just do yourself a favor and skip the pre-ride hot-dogs.

August 17 seems like it should be closer to Halloween with Black Cat Appreciation Day, but those in charge obviously aren’t reading Offbeat Almanac!  Even so, black cats have lower adoption rates, so consider taking one in.  Trust me, they’re not plotting to kill you – well, no more than any other cat.

August 18 is the perfect chance to show your affection with Bad Poetry Day.  Write some awful prose for your loved one (or your new black cat). Here’s a head start:  Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Some poems rhyme, This one doesn’t.

August 19 is one for the shutterbugs with Photography Day.  If you’re like me, you might try to use this as an excuse to convince your spouse to get you that new lens you’ve been coveting,  or maybe you’d like to see my 1500 cat photos?

August 20 is a holiday I would just as soon not think about: World Mosquito Day.  Sadly, I feel certain some mosquito out there is just dying to celebrate by having me as a snack!  I can hear him now inviting all his friends and family.  Who thinks of these days?!

August 21 caters to the sweet tooth again by celebrating National Spumoni Day. Spumoni is apparently a frozen desert that originated with the Italians.  In Canada, they celebrate this day on November 13.  I call it “Macy’s puts up their Christmas decorations day!”

August 22 reminds me of an old joke: two men are sitting on a bench, one comments “my wife is an angel.”  The other sighs and says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”  Do a good deed today and honor Be An Angel Day.  Just don’t take it too literally.

August 23 is a holiday in which I’m certain calories don’t count:  National Sponge Cake Day.  With a dessert as light and fluffy as sponge cake, most of the calories are just floating around in the ether, right?  If you need full justification, tell yourself you’re honoring Queen Victoria.  Rumor is that spongecake slathered in jam was her favorite teatime snack.  Don’t you deserve to treat yourself like a queen?

August 24 marks the 9th anniversary of a very sad day in history: Pluto Demoted Day.  Didn’t we all grow up learning “My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas”?  All hope is not lost though as recent discoveries may vindicate us all.  If not, we will just have to write songs for our dwarf planet in honor of International Strange Music Day.

August 25 is Kiss and Make Up Day.  Sure, we both know that your partner was wrong, but on this one day maybe we can both overlook that and well, kiss and make up.  I’m certain they’ll be wrong again tomorrow.

August 26 proves that it’s true that every dog has his (or her) day.  It happens to be today!  I’m pretty certain this was included because August holds not one but two cat holidays, but hey we’ll throw ’em a bone anyway!

August 27 I’m fairly certain exists simply to fill a gap as it is literally Just Because Day.  In thinking about it though it’s the perfect day to do something random.  Send a friend a funny card.  Jump in a puddle.  Stand in the back of the elevator and sing Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of your lungs.  Just because.

August 28 seems like the sort of holiday made for nerds, but I beg to differ.  Bow Tie Day is actually the perfect day to tie on (or clip on) your best bow tie and show it off to the world.  It would be more perfect if it was Matt Smith’s (the Eleventh Doctor’s) birthday, but sadly that is October 28.  Even so, bow ties really are cool.

August 29 lures us back towards food with More Herbs, Less Salt Day.  Cutting one’s salt is almost always a good idea. For herbs, I recommend parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.  I don’t have a cure though for the Scarborough Fair ear worm I just put in your head.  Sorry about that.

August 30 contains what I believe are two of the best holidays in existence:  Toasted Marshmallow Day and Slinky Day.  Just be sure not to toast your slinky, because I’m pretty sure that’s an environmental hazard!

August 31 wraps up the month of August and sadly, the summer, with National Eat Outside Day.  For those in cooler climates, the days are getting noticeably shorter, and there’s beginning to be a nip in the air.  You can help the mosquitoes celebrate too by being their last meal of the summer!

The Offbeat Almanac – July 2015

Everyone is aware of the major holidays.  Sure, people observe things like Canada Day, the Fourth of July, Easter, Mother’s Day, etc.  What often goes unacknowledged, however, are the more unusual holidays.  When is the last time you observed Manatee Appreciation Day or Tolkien Reading Day, (March 25th) or even Elvis’ birthday (August 8th)?

Given that July has two of the aforementioned major holidays, it seems appropriate that it is also National Picnic Month, National Hot Dog Month, National Ice Cream Month and most importantly, National Anti-Boredom Month.

July 1 is Canada Day.  Oddly enough, National Poutine Day is April 11.  One would think that those in charge of these things would have planned better, but alas, no.  According to Ottawa Magazine, the best place to picnic in Canada’s capital city is Watson’s Mill.  Slightly off the beaten path, it provides a quiet spot to spread your blanket and enjoy your maple spread.  While there, perhaps you can take a couple of hours to pull out your tablet and stream any of the many movies with Ottawa’s beloved native son, Dan Ackroyd.

In addition to Canada Day, one should also be certain to observe International Joke Day with your favorite bad pun.  (What kind of flooring do lizards have?  Reptile!)

Moving on to July 2nd, we have World UFO Day.  I’ll pass on your regards to my favorite Martian.

July 3rd is a little less exciting with National Disobedience Day.  I demand that you refuse to celebrate this one.

This brings us to July 4th.  Of course, everyone recognizes this day as American Independence Day, but did you know that it’s also National BBQ Spareribs Day?  Sounds like the perfect meal while also celebrating National Hillbilly Day and National Country Music day!

If you’re not too exhausted after your Independence Day celebrations, you can celebrate National Apple Turnover day and National Graham Cracker Day on July 5th.  I don’t know how graham crackers and apple turnovers would taste together, but what better day to find out?  Just be careful how many you eat since it is also National Bikini Day!

July 6 happens to be one of my favorite days in the Offbeat Almanac as it is National Fried Chicken Day!  As with National Poutine Day, you would think those in charge of these things would have made it coincide with Colonel Sanders birthday (September 9), but unfortunately we were again not consulted on these matters.  No one is completely certain when the idea of frying chicken came about, but it is known that the Ancient Romans used to fry chicken with olive oil, fish sauce, and various herbs and spices.  Sounds delicious and the perfect dish to take along with you while you’re in the park still observing National Picnic Month!

July 7, marks both Chocolate Day and National Strawberry Sundae Day which seems fitting in a month that celebrates, in part, ice cream.  July 7 also marks the birthday of Otto Rohwedder, who invented sliced bread.  Which I suppose makes every July 7th since the best thing that’s happened since sliced bread!

July 8 has another of my favorite holidays:  Video Games Day.  If by this time you’re sick of the summer heat and humidity, then what better excuse to cancel all your plans and stay inside? While you’re playing, you can snack on a candy bar in honor of National Milk Chocolate with Almonds Day!  Or, if you prefer, you can queue up your favorite comedy on Netflix as a way to observe SCUD Day! (Savor the Comic, Unplug the Drama Day) Come to think of it, that sounds like a great way to celebrate nearly every day!

If you’re not a chocolate fan or your sweet tastes run of a simpler nature, then July 9th – National Sugar Cookie Day – is for you!  Give some to your favorite little kid, send them home to their parents and enjoy the show!  Don’t worry, you can thank me later.

On July 10, after you’ve binged on Netflix and played all your video games, you might feel a need to venture outside again.  What better day for that than Teddy Bear Picnic Day?  Grab your beloved teddy bear, pack a lunch, and embrace the day.  Don’t worry about getting strange looks. It’s also National Pina Colada Day so just raise your glass and smile!  Perhaps you’ll make a new friend in time for Cheer Up The Lonely Day on July 11!

Skipping ahead past World Population Day (July 11) and National Pecan Pie Day (July 12) to July 13 which has two holidays that go well together:  Embrace Your Geekiness Day and Barbershop Music Appreciation Day.  Let your geek flag fly and join a barbershop quartet!  Ask your new friend and your teddy bear to come along for support!

July 14 is most noted for Bastille Day, but did you also know that it’s Pandemonium Day and National Nude Day? You can celebrate by creating a little pandemonium streaking at a baseball game!

July 15 has three holidays that are especially important to animal lovers:  National Pet Fire Safety Day, National I Love Horses Day, and Cow Appreciation Day.  Go hug your cow or horse while checking their fire safety plan.  One can never be too careful!

July 16 is National Corn Fritters Day and Fresh Spinach Day.  While I’m all for corn fritters, I’d just as soon skip over the spinach!

Find some respite from the heavy foods and summer heat on July 17 with National Peach Ice Cream Day!  Sprinkle a little cinnamon on top and share it with your pet pig for Yellow Pig Day!

On July 18 get away from all the sweets with Caviar Day.  Sure it’s expensive and kind of gross, but never fear it’s also Toss Away the Should Haves and Could Haves Day!  So for one day kick back and live like one of the 1%!

July 19 tells us that having days dedicated to specific ice cream flavors isn’t good enough.  Thus we have National Ice Cream Day!  It’s also National Daiquiri Day so I suggest a little experimentation:  Daiquiri ice cream!

Next, we come to July 20 in which we have National Fortune Cookie Day and National Get Out of the Dog House Day.  Maybe you can take your spouse to their favorite Chinese restaurant as a token of goodwill.  Hopefully your fortune cookie will have some sage advice on how to fix whatever you did wrong!

July 21 kicks off National Junk Food Day.  Finally, a holiday that I can really get into!  Of course, this begs the question of what is junk food precisely?  Obviously it’s food that is considered bad for you but almost anything in excess is bad for you.  Just ask the guy in China whose eyes turned green after eating too many river snails! (Seriously, look it up!)

For me, celebrating National Junk Food Day is likely going to entail a juicy hot dog, some onion rings, maybe some chocolate, and then later that night, lots and lots of regret with a nice helping of heartburn!

July 22 was surely invented as the perfect follow up to National Junky Food Day, for today is Hammock Day!  What better excuse for resting off all the junk food you ate yesterday? Don’t forget your sunscreen of course, since it’s not National Lobster Day (June 15)!

July 23rd may seem repetitive in that it is Hot Dog Day, but who says we can’t spice it up a little?  Bratwursts are technically a hot dog, right?  So fire up the grill, relish in your favorite bratwurst, lay back in that hammock and ketchup on a good book!  (Get it?  Relish? Ketchup? Sorry I’ll save that for Tell an Old Joke Day on July 24.)

July 24 is a great day in a week that contains National Junk Food Day and that is Drive Thru Day!  It is also National Tequila Day and National Cousins Day so call your favorite cousin, confess your recent junk food binges, and drown your regret!

July 25 gets slightly away from the junk food theme with Culinarians Day.  You don’t need to be a chef or enjoy cooking to celebrate this day.  Go visit your folks (or parental figure) a day early for Parents Day, and enjoy their culinary skills.

July 26 in addition to being Parents Day also happens to be Aunt and Uncle day.  On top of that it happens to be National Bagelfest Day.  Celebrate by checking out that new bagel shop you’ve been wanting to try with Mom, Dad or one of their siblings.

July 27 will definitely be a fan favorite as it is National Scotch Day.  Some trivia:  under the Scotch Whiskey Regulations of 2009, scotch must be produced and distilled in Scotland, have a minimum alcohol by volume (ABV) of 40 percent (which means it’s 80 proof), and be aged at least three years in Scottish oak casks.  Wow, people take scotch seriously!  Just don’t imbibe too much or you may be faced with a police officer explaining to you that wearing pants is still required for Take Your Pants for a Walk Day!

July 28 offers the perfect follow up to the exercise and drinking you did yesterday with National Milk Chocolate Day.  Milk Chocolate is one of my favorites so I’ll be celebrating this day.  National Hamburger Day is also celebrated on this day, but I’m not sure how a hamburger made of milk chocolate would be so I suggest you don’t combine your festivities.

July 29 I predict is going to be another favorite for many:  National Lasagna Day.  I’m not a fan of lasagna myself so I won’t be marking this occasion, but it just so happens to also be National Chicken Wing Day which is a holiday I am absolutely in favor of!

July 30 presents an excellent way to wrap up a month of food with National Cheesecake Day.  Cheesecake is the one thing I’ve heard many people say they love almost more than they love their spouse or significant other.  In fact, if anyone has an amazing recipe for gluten-free cheesecake crust, my own husband might well love you forever!

July 31 ends the month on a slightly healthier note with National Raspberry Cake Day.  I think cheesecake counts as a cake, so celebrate by eating some of the leftovers from yesterday!

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