The Offbeat Alamanac – July 2021

July 1 as everyone knows is Canada Day, but it is also International Joke Day! Speaking of…. do you want to hear a construction joke? Oh, sorry, I’m still working on it! Don’t like that one? Did you hear the about the guy who invented the door knocker? He won the No-Bell prize!

July 2 is I Forgot Day! What does this holiday represent? I can’t remember! I do know that today offers the chance to make up for all those birthdays, anniversaries, and other special dates you have or will forget. Do something nice for someone you love and when they ask why, tell them “I forgot!” Trust me, they’ll be so pleased with the gift they won’t even notice the weirdness!

July 3 marks the 76th anniversary of Superman Day. Sure, DC Comics has tried to say Superman Day is June 14, but on this date the 1939 World’s Fair marked Superman Day, and the first public appearance of Superman himself (portrayed by Ray Middleton). Instead of leaping some tall buildings or stopping bullets, celebrate today by binge watching all the Superman movies. On second thought, skip III and IV.

July 4 is of course Independence Day but it is also Independence from Meat Day! Why they picked a day full of hot dogs, hamburgers, and general barbecue for this day is beyond me. I suggest a new day: Independence from Indepence from Meat Day! Think of bacon going to waste! You owe it to your country! Trust me, I would never steer you wrong!

July 5 is Work-A-Holics Day! Most of us still have a day off for Independence (from meat) Day. If you have to work though (or have a column due), know that there is a holiday just for you. Now stop lollygagging and get back to work, peon! These columns don’t write themselves!

July 6 is Take Your Webmaster to Lunch Day! Webmasters work hard behind the scenes making things presentable. Show your appreciation by taking them out for a cup of java. Don’t keep them out too long though, they’ll want to be back in a flash!

July 7 I cannot tell a lie – today is Tell The Truth Day! Imagine a world in which nobody lies, does anything misleading, or is dishonest in any way. In other words, a world without politicians!

July 8 is Cow Appreciation Day! Really, some of these holidays are udderly ridiculous! Whoever makes these things up needs to cud it out. Sorry, mooving on…

July 9 is Bald Is In Day! Honestly, I figured today was Patrick Stewart’s birthday, but that’s not for another four days. If you’re bald, today is your day! Wear it proudly, and think of the money you save on shampoo!

July 10 Last year we celebrated Teddy Bear Picnic Day and personally I think this day bears repeating! While you and Teddy are spending quality time together, you can also observe Don’t Step on a Bee Day!

July 11 is International Town Criers Day! Town criers are no longer a thing, but you can bring this tradition back by strolling through your town early in the morning announcing the news! Just watch out for flying newspapers!

July 12 is Different Colored Eyes Day! If you lived during the middle ages and had different colored eyes you’d probably wind up branded a witch. Today we recognize it as a semi-unusual genetic thing, generally caused by inbreeding. Kind of makes you look at those folks with new eyes doesn’t it?

July 13 is National French Fries Day! Celebrate by indulging in a plate of hot fries with tons of ketchup. Or if you prefer a more international flair, add some cheese curds and gravy and voila poutine! Avoid dipping them in mayonnaise though – that’s just barbaric!

July 14 might be a bit more difficult to observe with International Nude Day! I suggest celebrating this one in private with the curtains drawn. You don’t want to wind up as inspiration for Ugly Naked Person in the Friends remake!

July 15 is Be A Dork Day! I’ve pretty much got this one down on a daily basis, but for those of you who fall into the more poised category observe today by tripping over your shoe laces or not shutting up long after you realize you should have! Those of us who are about to be thrust into an unwanted spotlight, thank you.

July 16 is World Snake Day! Considering I shrieked at the sight of an animated snake in a Disney movie (true story – see Be A Dork Day), you can rest assured I will NOT be celebrating this holiday! As such, I have no advice for you on how to observe today other than keep it far away from me, please!

July 17 is Yellow Pig Day! Apparently this holiday was invented in the early 1960’s when a couple of mathematicians became obsessed with the properties of the number 17. For reasons that are still unclear, this evolved into a yellow pig with 17 eyelashes. Personally, I think that the mathematicians might have been dipping into the ethanol with the chemists!

July 18 offers the opportunity to make up for that time you told your spouse “Yes, that outfit does make you look fat,” or called your mother-in-law an “insufferable witch.” It’s Get Out of the Doghouse Day! Apologize, claim temporary insanity, alien abduction, whatever you need to get back in good graces. At least until the next time you decide your foot would make a tasty meal!

July 19 is Daiquiri Day! Celebrate by laying back in a hammock and sipping one of these cool and refreshing drinks. Be careful not to over indulge though or you won’t be able to get out of the hammock which means, well, your butt will be in a sling!

July 20 has a literary theme with Take Your Poet to Work Day. Actually, this is a very bad idea. Most of us literary types prefer as little social interaction as possible. Taking us to work would create a need for small talk and a request for us to recite poetry on demand. You would never be able to face your co-workers again. Trust me, this way leads to madness!

July 21 is No Pet Store Puppies Day! Even though I’m a cat person, I can still appreciate today. If you’re in the market for a puppy consider visiting your local animal shelter. I’m sure that if you paws long enough to comb your hair and tuck in your shirt, that there is a puppy (or older dog) ready and willing to adopt you! Trust me, you won’t regret it!

July 22 brings up another one of those math holidays with Pi Approximation Day! Also known as Casual Pi Day, plays on the fact that the fraction 22/7 is a common approximation of pi. It seems the mathematicians have again been dipping into the ethanol but hey, anything that invents an excuse to eat more pie is a good idea to me!

July 23 is Gorgeous Grandma Day! I don’t know if there’s a Gorgeous Grandpa Day, but I feel as if there should be. In the interest of equality, give your gorgeous grandparent a call to tell them how much you appreciate them. Or, send cookies. Nothing says I love you like a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies. Make sure you send some to the columnist as well. You know, for quality control.

July 24 is Tell and Old Joke Day! I don’t know what the oldest joke is but it’s probably a bad dad joke like “I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry, I’m Dad!” Celebrate today by telling everyone your oldest and most groan worthy jokes. You’ll probably get some slaps but you might get a chuckle or two making it all worth it!

July 25 is a real whirlwind with Merry Go Round Day! Also listed as Carousel Day, today is designed to bring awareness to the decline in working carousels around the country. If you don’t have a carousel nearby, go to your local park and take a ride on the Merry Go Round. Just don’t eat any hot dogs first, or drink any of the tequila from National Tequila Day (July 24) or you’ll be very very sorry!

July 26 is one of those holidays that you either celebrate big or don’t celebrate at all. It’s All or Nothing Day! Carpe Diem! Go big or go home! Other outdated cliches! The point is whatever you do today, give it your all. Even if you’re like me and some days “all” means putting on pants.

July 27 is Take Your Houseplant For a Walk Day. I almost reported this as take your PANTS for a walk day. I’m not sure if this was my error or that of the ones who make up these days. At any rate, to be on the safe side, wear pants when you take your house plant for a walk. That incident with the neighborhood watch is still pretty fresh in our minds!

July 28 is National Milk Chocolate Day! Observe by eating lots of milk chocolate or lots of chocolate milk! Either way, today demands celebration! You wouldn’t want to let me down would you?

July 29 is National Talk in an Elevator Day! I’m not sure today should be a holiday, but I don’t make the rules (or the holidays). It’s a brave person who talks in the elevator, so take that newfound confidence from All or Nothing Day and give a hearty hello to your fellow riders! If there’s no one there, you can talk to the security camera. No one ever says Hi to them.

July 30 is a bibliophile’s dream with Paperback Book Day! Shut down your kindle, find a shady spot under a tree or next to the pool and whip out your paperback book! If anyone bothers you, you can bop them over the head with it for interrupting your reading!

July 31 is Uncommon Instrument Awareness Day! Before you call me a lyre, check your own sources and you will find that accordion to the calendar, I’m correct! Don’t worry, I won’t harp on the fact that I was right.

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