The Offbeat Almanac – May 2021

May 1 is for the Superhero lovers out there. Today is Batman Day! On this day in 1939 the mysterious Caped Crusader made his first appearance in Detective Comics #27. So don your costume and stream the Snyder cut of Justice League. Add some extra butter to your microwave popcorn to make up for the four hours you’re about to lose.

May 2 is Baby Day! Admittedly, not everyone loves babies. They’re wrinkly, cry a lot, and are prone to urinating on you at any given moment. Just for today though, give a baby a coo or a smile. Remember, you were once a wrinkly, crying, pooping and peeing machine!

May 3 is National Two Different Colored Shoes Day! I may risk getting off on the wrong foot here, but today is a day to show your wacky and zany side! Today is the perfect excuse to wear a striped shoe with a polka dotted shoe, or on the subtle side, a black and a brown shoe. Hop to it! You know you’re itching to! (You should get some foot cream for that, by the way)

May 4 is, of course, Star Wars Day (May the 4th be with you), but it is also Renewal Day. Today is a day for new beginnings. Renew your wedding vows! Renew your favorite magazine subscription! Renew your commitment to watching all twelve Star Wars movies in a single sitting!

May 5 is Food Poison Yourself Day! OK, I might have made that one up. Today is actually Oyster Day. Oysters are best consumed in months with an R in them, but May is a borderline month so it might still be OK. Proceed with caution, and clam up if you suspect something fishy!

May 6 is No Diet Day! I definitely plan on celebrating this day! Just for today, allow yourself a cheat day. Enjoy that extra slice of cake or that extra chocolate bar. Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet!

May 7 is in cahoots with No Diet Day as it is No Pants Day! Let’s be honest though, hasn’t the entire past year been one long No Pants Day?

May 8 is a day to celebrate the warmer weather! Today is No Socks Day! Wiggle the toes in the fresh green grass, walk barefoot in the sand, or simply wander around your house with no socks. Just make sure you don’t step on any toes! You wouldn’t want people to think you’re a heel!

May 09 is the day you pay the price for yesterday. Today is Lost Sock Memorial Day! Take a moment of silence to pay your respects to all those missing socks. Where DO they go, anyway? I think we need to get Mulder and Scully on this one!

May 10 is Clean Up Your Room Day! Honestly, this doesn’t sound like a particularly fun holiday, but it is an occasional necessity. Celebrate in a quick and easy fashion by grabbing a giant box, throwing everything in it and tossing it in your closet! Problem solved, right? Well, at least until Clean Your Closet Day comes around.

May 11 is yet another holiday that will leave you wondering who the heck comes up with these days! Today is Root Canal Appreciation Day. The only appreciation I imagine anyone has for a root canal is when it’s over. Still, mark your clock to celebrate at 2:30!

May 12 brings us back to fun holidays with Limerick Day! On this day in 2021 a columnist turned plum. She had a column to write but it took all night. Finally she started to scream
because she sucks at limericks!

May 13 is Top Gun Day! Throw on a leather jacket and some cheap aviator sunglasses and go sing some bad karaoke! Quote lines from the movie all day! Just don’t forget to take a moment of silence for Goose.

May 14 is Dance Like A Chicken Day! Don’t let today get you down! Celebrate by dancing the Chicken Dance or even the Funky Chicken! Just don’t do the Turkey Dance as that would be fowl.

May 15 swings back to the food holidays with National Chocolate Chip Day! The inventor of the chocolate chip cookie was paid one dollar and a lifetime of chocolate for her recipe. Sounds like a raw deal to me, but I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles! Celebrate today by sending your favorite columnist a batch of cookies. These puns don’t write themselves you know!

May 16 is National Sea Monkey Day! Popularized in 1956, sea monkeys are actually a hybridized form of brine shrimp. It’s amazing what we will do to bilk kids out of a few bucks. Still, today is their special day, so raise a glass and toast the sea monkey. Just don’t drink it, or you might end up with sea people a la South Park’s “Simpsons Already Did It”.

May 17 is Telecommunications Day! Celebrate today by using your little telecommunication device to do something other than look at cat videos on YouTube. Use the weird dial pad to call your parent, sibling, or best friend. The cat videos will still be there, I promise.

May 18 is for the clean freaks among us with No Dirty Dishes Day! On this day, I am most thankful for the invention of the dishwasher. Don’t just lye there! Sink yourself into it! Just don’t sing or you might end up in a soap opera!

May 19 is National Devil’s Food Cake Day! My faithful readers may not be aware, but I love chocolate, and thus, I particularly love Devil’s Food Cake. In the famous words of Marie Antoinette, “let me eat cake!” OK. I might have paraphrased a pinch.

May 20 is Be A Millionaire Day! If you happen to be a millionaire – call me! I would be an excellent millionaire! Celebrate today by living large! Take a look at that mansion on Park Place! Build that fancy house on Atlantic! Just be sure to put the Monopoly pieces back when you’re done.

May 21 promotes water safety with National Learn to Swim Day. If you don’t know how to swim, it’s a good idea to visit your local YMCA for lessons. If you do know how to swim be a good water buddy and support your aquatic impaired friend. After all, you don’t want to wind up swimming with the fishes!

May 22 is Goth Day! Observe this dark holiday by changing your name to Theodoric the Great and sacking Rome, Athens and Byzantium! Just clean up when you’re done. You don’t want people thinking you’re some sort of barbarian!

May 23 is Lucky Penny Day! For some, today is considered to be extra lucky. Ironically, on this day in history, the infamous Bonnie and Clyde were killed by the police. Guess their luck ran out!

May 24 is Tiara Day! Perhaps not so coincidentally, it is also the anniversary of the birth of Queen Victoria. Today of all days you deserve to be treated like a royal! Which is to say, put your life under a media microscope and have your marriage arranged for political reasons. Still, wear your tiara with pride while giving your best Diana wave!

May 25 is a day for the geeks and nerds among us with Towel Day. Today commemorates the life of Douglas Adams, author of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and demigod of geeks and nerds. Feeling unprepared for this day? Don’t panic! Pull out your tattered copy of Hitchhiker’s Guide and find a tree to sit under. Adams would want nothing less.

May 26 is National Paper Airplane Day! Celebrations for this day are quite simple: throw a paper airplane party! See who can fly theirs the farthest, or who can come up with the best paper airplane decoration. Just remember, it’s not the destination, but the journey! (Which admittedly isn’t very far in a paper airplane)

May 27 once again recognizes the importance of ailurophiles with Hug Your Cat Day! Admittedly, cats are not known for being particularly eager huggers, but perhaps if you tread carefully you can get a quick snuggle. Just a word of caution, I tried this on my cat last night. You can start calling me “Stumpy” from now on!

May 28 is Hamburger Day! Celebrate by parking your buns in your favorite burger joint. Just guard your juicy beef patty with care as you never know when the Hamburglar will strike!

May 29 is End of Middle Ages Day! Today the Middle Ages ended and became the Senior Citizen Ages. Kidding! It was the beginning of the Renaissance. I’m convinced that somewhere Chaucer is yelling at that upstart Michelangelo to get off his lawn!

May 30 is Water A Flower Day! We’ve had Plant Appreciation Day, so it’s only right that flowers have their day in the sun! Water all the flowers today! Without them our planet would be a barren wasteland much like Mars. Do you know how hard it is to grow things on Mars?? Hint: Ask Matt Damon.

May 31 is Save Your Hearing Day! Feeling ear-itable today? March to a different (ear) drum today and appreciate the world around you! Spread some lobe to someone you find ear-resistible!

1 comment

    • Sharon Carroll on May 3, 2021 at 11:42 am
    • Reply

    Love it!

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